


I Don't Think I Could Live Without You

by ratheriiconic



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14057358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratheriiconic/pseuds/ratheriiconic
Summary: Alec isn't himself and he doesn't know why. He tried so hard to be normal and happy but he isn't. He just wanted life to end and he has tried over and over again and keeps on failing. This last attempt was the worst and this attempt was the one that caused him to lose everything.





	I Don't Think I Could Live Without You

His hand was shaking as he was trying to tie the rope and when it slipped again, he broke down in tears. He was a failure in saving the world and he was a failure in ending his life. He punched the mirror and relished as the glass broke. Hearing the shatter, seeing it break, feeling the pain in his hand, they are the reasons why he kept going until he couldn’t.

 

Magnus wondered why he kept on having to repair the world but he didn’t have enough time to ask Alec why he was breaking the mirror, taking it as an accident with his bow and arrow. It wouldn’t have made sense, seeing as he never missed a target since he was seventeen and he was too busy staring at Jace to pay attention to the target on the wall.

 

But it wasn’t Magnus’s fault. It’s not his fault that he didn’t spend enough time with Alec because Alec was the one that pushed him away. Alec was the one that pushed everyone away as he wanted to make this as painless as possible for them.

 

He smiled in success as he tied the noose. Hanging it up, he pulled on it, making sure that it wouldn’t collapse on him.

 

He had a backup plan just in case and he took the bottles of pills that were on the counter and opened it, glad that the lids got off in one flick of the wrist, thanking whatever was there that he wasn’t a failure in his last moments. He took handfuls of various pills throughout the various bottles and started putting them into his mouth.

 

Swallowing the pills down, he didn’t feel the effect of the pills until he put the rope around his neck. He started stumbling in his chair and felt a surge of panic come through him once the front door closed and Magnus called out his name.

 

Thoughts were swarming through his head and he wanted to do so many things but  _ he couldn’t.  _ He was a deer stuck in the headlights and he just felt the pills kick into him at once as he heard Mangus coming closer to him and  _ he didn’t want this.  _ He just wanted to die. Why did Mangus have to come early? Why couldn’t he die in peace?

 

Pulling the noose around his neck tighter, he kicked the chair just as Magnus opened the door into the guest bathroom.

 

-

 

He woke up to a hand running through his hair and he groaned as he saw the bright lights, blinking to adjust himself to it.

 

He turned his head rather quickly, groaning when he felt a headache and felt like he was about to throw up. He looked up, seeing Isabelle there, running her long fingers through his hair and saw the mascara smeared on her face. Half of her face was done up, seeing as her lipstick was all over the place. She wasn’t wearing jewelry and her hair was thrown up into a high bun, half of it becoming undone. 

 

She looked at him when he turned his head, smiling sadly at him while continuing to pet his hair. She let the tears fall down her face as she took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. He sat up, slowly, still feeling sick to his stomach as he bent over and retched onto the floor, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the back of his mouth and took it off.

 

He regretted as he did so, forgetting the red angry lines and the countless bruises on his chest and arms as he heard her gasp, reaching for the stele on the side and when he saw the tool, he shook his head, taking it from her and putting it down because right now he felt empty. There was nothing going through him. Nothing but disappointment as he couldn’t go through one simple thing as he was still breathing and his heart was still beating. The only thing that’s reminding him of his failure is the fact that those cuts and those bruises are there, steadily pulsing.

 

“Alec,” she started and he shook his head, not wanting her to speak. Not when he could already here the pain in his voice.

 

“Please don’t,” he mumbled and she nodded her head, kissing his forehead and then left the room.

 

Magnus took her place, standing by the door and closing it. He leaned against the door, crossing his arms. “Are you okay?”

 

Alec just shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sorry that you had to see that.”

 

Magnus then shrugged his shoulder. He couldn’t look Alec in the eyes and he sighed. “I can’t do this anymore.”

 

“What’s this?” Alec asked, afraid of what he meant.

 

“This…” he motioned between him and Alec. “Us. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep up with this mentally. I’m sorry, Alexander.” He opened the door and then shoved his hand in his pockets.

 

Isabelle came back in and she saw how hard Alec was trying to keep in the tears. She sighed and wrapped her arms around Alec, heart clenching when she heard his heart wrenching sobs.


End file.
